just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
did i walk over a car last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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