whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
