She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
