3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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