She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
