I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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