I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
