i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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