how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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