so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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