It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
