I think I died a long time ago.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
