i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
