My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
