I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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