So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
