My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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