i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
