he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
