mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
