my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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