I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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