I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
