Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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