Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
