when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
