my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
