whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
