Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
