Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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