hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
