My first STD was from a foam party
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
