There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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