moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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