We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
