stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
