the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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