I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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