too bad you live with your parents still
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
