Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
