i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
