i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
