i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
