I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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