I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
