Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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