Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
