So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
