Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
