I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
