Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can't special order awesome
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
