Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What a dumb baby whore.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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