Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
