I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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