we have pet lesbian snakes
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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