3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
