Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
