i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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