I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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