What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
